There's only one way to cut through the fog index: call Robert Reich, the Secretary of the DOL. I phoned him at home one evening since all I got was the run-around when I called his "work" number.

E.W: "Mr. Reich, I've some questions for you regarding the DOL. Since you wouldn't take my calls on C-SPAN, D-SPAN, E-SPAN, or "Larry King Live," I thought I'd try you here."

Reich: "Well, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I didn't get a chance to speak with you on CNBC earlier in the week, but we had so many intelligent questions before yours...people who wanted to know how many new jobs had been created, you know."

EW: "Thank you for taking this call, Mr. Secretary."

Reich: "Call me Bob. "

EW: "Okay, Bob... The U.S. Department of Labor was created by Congress in 1913 to foster, promote and develop the welfare of working people, to improve their working conditions, and to enhance their opportunities for profitable employment. When the DOL first started, four agencies were combined: the BLS, the Bureau of Immigration, the Bureau of Naturalization and the Children's Bureau. Why do we need so many agencies today?"

Reich: "What makes you think we have too many agencies?"

EW: "Maybe it was the following list, all of which come under the Department of Labor: Office of the Secretary of Labor, Benefits Review Board, Bureau of International Labor Affairs, Bureau of Labor Statistic, Employees' Compensation Appeals Board, Office of Federal Contract Compliance Programs, The Office of Workers' Compensation Programs, the Wage and Hour Division, Employment and Training Administration, Mine Safety and Health Administration, Occupational Safety and Health Administration, Office of Administrative Appeals, Office of Administrative Law Judges, Office of the American Workplace, Office of the Assistant Secretary for Administration and Management, Office of the Assistant Secretary for Congressional and Intergovernmental Affairs, Office of the Assistant Secretary for Policy, Office of the Chief Financial Officer, Office of the Inspector General, Office of Public Affairs, Office of Private Affairs, Office for Clandestine Affairs, Office of Small Business and Minority Affairs, Office of the Solicitor, Pension and Welfare Benefits Administration, Veterans Employment and Training Services, Wage Appeals Board and Board of Service Contract Appeals, and the Women's Bureau. Isn't that a bit much, Bob?"

Reich: "Call me Robert. Hey! We do not have an Office of Private Affairs, or Clandestine Affairs. You just made that up."

E.W. "Made you think, didn't it? Why a Women's Bureau? "

Reich: "Women are a minority. They need a bureau."

E.W. "By what figures are women a minority?"

Reich: "There are fewer of them... No, that's not it. They need help as a group."

E.W. "What about N.O.W.?"

Reich: "What about what, now?"

E.W. "No, what's on first?"

Reich: "You're making no sense at all. Women are discriminated against: That's why we set up a bureau to foster their interests in the workplace. And, we've done a damn good job, too. Of the eight million new jobs created last year, more than half went to women."

EW: "Ah, let's talk about those eight million new jobs. Where are they?"

Reich: "181,000 are in the Department of Labor; 649,583 are at McDonald's; 432,000 at Der Weinerschnitzel and Wendy's; 826,459 at Wal-Mart, K-Mart, L-Mart, White Front, and the Pup and Taco. Then, there were 1.2 million new hires at Chevron, Esso, Union 76, Sinclair, and any number of other gas stations... There were 48 new border crossing guards..."

E.W. "That's 3,289,090. Where are the other 4,710,910?"

Reich: "I don't have those charts with me right now. Ross Perot borrowed them for a show he's doing on CNN."

E.W. "Just where do you get these figures?"

Reich: "We have a very finely tuned organization that works on that at least once a year. It works like this: the Bureau of Labor Statistics calls at least two thousand households and asks how many members of the household were laid off and subsequently re-employed last year..."

E.W. "What about those who can't afford phones after being laid off? How are they contacted?"

Reich: "Don't be ridiculous. Everyone can afford a phone! Why, when I talked to Murphy Brown, she told me that these calls only cost ten cents a minute."

E.W. "You any relation to Dan Quayle?"

Reich: "No, is he related to Murphy Brown?"

E.W. "Let's move on. So, you get these remarkable figures from the BLS. Then what?"

Reich: "Then I go to all the DOL offices and change the signs, you know, Over 7.5 Million New Jobs Created to Over 8 Million New Jobs Created. Yesterday, I hired someone to do that for me, so now we've created 8 million and one new jobs."

E.W. "Share the wealth... Let's move on to something else. Wouldn't you say that the job is too much for you?"

Reich: "Why would you ever think that? I've performed admirably. After all, we created eight and a-half million new jobs last year alone. We might even create another eight million this year and, who knows, maybe ten or twelve million next year! The possibilities are endless!"

EW: "But I see by your bio that you have so much to do. After all, according to the DOL's org chart, you administer the following laws: The Job Training Partnership Act, The Fair Labor Standards Act, The Occupational Safety and Health Act, The Mine Safety and Health Act, The Consumer Credit Protection Act, The Employee Retirement Income Security Act, The LaborManagement Reporting and Disclosure Act, Unemployment Insurance, and Executive Order 11246. I know that I couldn't handle that much, Mr. Reich."

Reich: "That's why you're not Secretary of Labor, and I am. And it's why I need assistants and agencies within the DOL."

EW: "But I see that, in addition to all your TV and radio appearances, you're also a member of the Advisory Committee on Federal Pay, Board of Directors of the Overseas Private Investment Corporation, Board of Trustees of the Federal Hospital Insurance Trust Fund, Supplementary Medical Insurance Trust Fund, Board of Trustees of the Federal Old Age Insurance Trust Fund, Board of Trustees of the Federal Disability Insurance Trust Fund, Consumer Affairs Council, Federal Council on the Arts and the Humanities, Interagency Committee on Handicapped Employees, Interagency Committee on Handicapped Research, Interagency Coordinating Council, Interagency Council on the Homeless, Interagency Economic Adjustment Committee, Interagency Savings Bonds Committee, Labor Advisory Committee for Trade Negotiations and Trade Policy, Ministerial Council of the North American Agreement on Labor Cooperation, National Cancer Advisory Board, National Economic Council, National Productivity Advisory Council, President's Task Force on Regulatory Relief, President's Advisory Committee on Federal Pay, President's Advisory Council on Private Sector Initiatives, President's Commission on Executive Exchange, President's Committee on Employment of People With Disabilities, President's Committee on the International Labor Organization, President's Committee on Mental Retardation, President's Export Council, President's Pay Agent, Task Force on Immigration and Refugee Policy, Textile Policy Advisory Committee, and the Trade Policy Committee. I take it that these don't meet more than once a week?"

Reich: "Piece of cake when you know what you're doing."

EW: "How do you know what you're doing? You're an economist by degree and profession. I see by your bio that, prior to this position, you were on Harvard's faculty, the assistant to the Solicitor General in the Ford Administration, and were on the Federal Trade Commission in the Carter Administration. In other words, you've never held a real job."

Reich: "Only an economist would understand the intricacies of running an establishment like the Department of Labor. Why do you think they chose an economist for the position?"

EW: "To make accountants think that they have personalities?"

Reich: "Call me Mr. Secretary. No! Because an economist understands the underlying principles of how one ensures the wages, health and welfare of the American employee!"

EW: "You're really interested in the health and welfare of the American employee?"

Reich: "Absolutely! That's one of the guiding principles of the DOL."

EW: "Why then, last November 29, did you classify 90 percent of OSHA's job safety inspectors as non-essential but then told a press conference that OSHA would be unable to prevent tragedies in the workplace during the federal shutdown? Uh, oh, I see that this call has cost me a bundle... When can we talk again?"

Reich: "Don't call me, I'll call you."